The Peach

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Friday, September 24, 2004

Baron's Brain: He's Convinced Me

After listening to President Bush's press conference with Ayad Allawi and after months of being bombarded with the same mantra, I'm convinced that the day after John Kerry is sworn in as president, our soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan will pull up their stakes and leave these countries to fend for themselves. Bush has also convinced me that in gratitude for helping him win the election, President Kerry will send each Iraqi and Afghani a five gallon container filled with gasoline as well as a videotape documenting Detroit's celebration of the 1984 World Series win by their beloved Tigers. I mean if we're going to teach them a lesson, let's show them what real mob chaos looks like.

Following this, in order to create a stronger international coalition, I have come to believe that President Kerry will arrange a marriage between one of his daughters and Prince William of England making the Kerry family and these two countries the most powerful in the world.

These countries will subsequently preemptively invade Greenland because it's conveniently located between England and the U.S., and if we're going to have a preemptive strike why not have it against a country that really least expects it. Besides, there must be some Greenlanders who are thinking violent thoughts against us. Ultimately we will control the Northern Atlantic and survive on cheap fish while reaping the benefits of a seafood monopoly and overpriced exports. How's that for an economic plan? It also beats invading Canada because we all know Canada is just a part of America. More mind-numbing revelations to come.

Baron's Brain


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