Baron's Brain: Go On With Your Gay Self
In September 2004, following the outing of Ed Schrock and David Dreir, The Peach speculated that the current Republican administration and its allies are virulently anti-gay because they are, in fact, a bunch of self-hating closet cases. Okay, we were kidding back then, but now we're not.
The Brain has a theory and is going to throw it out to the reading public, and it is this: The Republican Party itself, is nothing more than a massive closet filled with what The Brain likes to call straight-gay people. The Bushies are so afraid of their inner-gay selves that they lash out at people who accurately reflect their own sublimated personalities.
Let's start with the well-documented laundry list of covert and not-so-covert gays of the Republican Party. Jeff Gannon/Jim Guckert/Barney Fife (or whatever the hell his name is) is the current "scoop du jour" making the blog circuit. But why stop there? What about Ken Mehlman, the annointed (no pun intended) leader of the RNC? And now, there have been gay-bar sightings of none other than Scott McClellan, the official "spokesperson" of the White House, who happens to be the guy that credentialed Gannon in circumvention of White House policy -- an accident? The Brain thinks not!
On the ladies' side, Candace Gingrich and Mary Cheney are only the most obvious examples of the L-word on the right. And now that we're mentioning the Cheneys, did Mary's mom, Lynne, consult with Mary to help with the passionate details in her lesbian novel "Sisters"? Or was Lynne channeling her own inner fantasies when writing that book? If so, why does she get so upset when anyone brings up either the novel or her own daughter's publicly avowed sexual orientation? On the other hand, we can understand Vice President Dick Cheney's aversion to the whole subject. Marriage to him would be enough to send any woman straight into the arms of her best girlfriend -- if there aren't strict laws prohibiting her from doing so.
Another thing The Brain wonders is why liberals are so, well, okay with gay? Could it be that we're just more self-accepting than Republicans are. We don't deny who we are, and that enables us to not feel threatened by who may be different. It is all about the never ending search for the soul. The Brain thinks that even Columbus would approve.
This is what The Brain suggests as political strategy. The next time a Bushie comes up to you and starts ranting about constitutional amendments to "protect" marriage, question them about their sexuality. Explain to them in some fashion that they must be harboring deep-seated homosexual impulses. Just keep saying:
everything you sayAt the same time, The Brain recommends you use good judgment. Don't go confronting some drunk who thinks Lynnrrd Skynnrrd is the greatest rock band in the world. Because then you're asking to get socked by a right-wing, repressed gay person, in what would have to count as a sort of ironic, reverse gay-bashing.
tells me that you're gay
But seriously. Let's freak them out. Whaddaya say? Are you with me?